Life Lessons for Mommy #143:

Rest, Relax, Colour

Adult Coloring Is Hard

I used to color a lot when I was younger, I don’t mean just in my teen years I mean well into college and beyond years.
But as the years ticked on and I got older, got married, got some kids, got responsibilities and some things in life just change you. And then you change so much that you no longer remember that you colored and enjoyed drawing and being excited about it.

Mental Health is something that is really being focused on lately and it’s about time! I didn’t even know I was an anxious person until a car accident and I started to see a Psychologist. And one of the things my psychologist told me about was these adult coloring pages. At first I was really excited about it! I remembered that I used to love drawing and coloring! It was very relaxing and very fun! And apparently it’s mentally good for you!

Adult colouring pages! The new thing in mental health! Next to proper diet, exercise which both need like serious will power, colouring is fun – no will power required!

The one my psychologist gave me just wasn’t doing it for me. So I surfed the net for some one’s that appealed to me. I found this great blog that points you to awesome free printable pages! http://www.everythingetsy.com/2015/08/printable-coloring-pages-for-adults-15-free-designs/
I printed these 2

My favorite honestly is the fishes!!!

And then some one’s from amazon that peeked my interest. These 2 were my favorite
Tribal Life – perfect for both guys and gals
Colour me Calm – my 2nd fave, perfect combo of detail and design

So I got my colouring stuff and was all set and ready to color with a fresh new case of Laurentian pencils. I quickly realized though, I was really sucking. The colors I was using were all over the place and the more I colored the less aesthetically pleasing it was. God, the more I tried to make it look good the more stressful it got. Why wasn’t I just enjoying this?

Some of the shapes and designs area’s weren’t 100% symmetrical, and other times it was just the colors I was using weren’t making it pop out. I was over thinking it and making something that was supposed to be fun into a freaking annoyance. I talked to some of my friends about it, and one of them suggested studying online for color schemes and learning how to use the right colors to make a more aesthetically pleasing page….really? I’m going to have to study how to color to relieve my anxiety?

These pages were causing a lot of anxiety for me. It wasn’t working. When I told my psychologist this, I honestly think she probably thought ‘what the heck are you doing???’ in her head. And that made me more anxious thinking about how anxious I was being about coloring. And its’ true, what the heck am I doing? This is about coloring and having fun, making mistakes and accepting them and letting it pass. This isn’t about looking good or producing something that looks good but something to learn patience from.

I decided that I’m going to print out a new page and go nuts! Have fun and forget about aesthetics and just randomly color and just have fun with it! And I even printed one for my daughter. It will be fun to color with her and learn from her how to just wing and have fun. To be thoughtless for once in doing something. To not over-think or even think. To make something that might not look good but accepting it and being proud of it. I don’t have to try hard on every thing. Maybe the reason why none of the other methods for anxiety are working because I over-think it and try too hard on it. I need to just let it be.

If you want to get started right now, here are a few FREE printables!
1) Sailboat

Sail On My Anxious Friend!
Sail On My Anxious Friend!

2) Flower Garden

These Flowers Need Colour!
These Flowers Need Colour!

 

3) Being Zen

Now you're totally Zen.
Now you’re totally Zen.

I remember a long time ago, when I was in college I believe, I was feeling anxious. I was going through some tough circumstances and things in my life didn’t feel fair and I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I was actually sad a lot those times. But one day I literally woke up, felt the sun on my face and said “I am not going to be sad anymore!” And I actually just did life, instead of thinking about things. I made some mistakes and I wish I could go back and fix them because I think I would have been able to achieve a lot of great stuff.  I also wish I could go back and not let that car accident happen that would probably end all my current pain and anxiety. But that’s okay, I have a great husband, 2 wonderful kids and yes it’s not all good- there are some bad days and bad things. But I will color myself out of those bad days by relearning how to just let it be and let it go.

And now, to color.

Good Luck!
😀

Life Lesson for Mommy #142:

5 Minute Scrub! DIY!

There are only a few things I do for myself during the week to take care of myself. And this is one of them. I make a cup of it, stick it into a glass mason jar and use it up every week! It’s easy and it cleanses your skin, helps smooth out, lightens and brightens your skin and just overall good! And you probably already have these ingredients in your house!

It doesn’t matter if you have dry or oily skin- this is great for both. I have combination skin so this is perfect for someone like me. You can add a little something extra to it if you feel your skin type needs a little less or more.

The Stuff You Need:

  • 1 lemon squeezed out of all it’s juice, no seeds.
  • 1 cup plain white yogurt
  • 1/2 cup oatmeal (blended dry until it’s a powder)

Mix all the ingredients and make a paste- it should not be sliding off your face. Decrease yogurt or increase amount of oatmeal powder to reach paste like consistency.

That’s it! Mix it, put it into a mason jar and keep it in your fridge. And 5 minutes before your shower, or while you’re in the shower slather it on your face and neck and let it sit for as long as you can. Ideal would be until it dries and feels like your face is tight! But any amount of time is great!

It’s like a mask, a scrub, a cleanser, a toner- it freaking does it all!

Some Tips:

  •  Make sure your yogurt is not about to be expired.
  • -Label the mason jar with yogurt expiry so you know when to throw out mixture- should only use for 1 week before making new batch.

Crying on my Birthday.

My anxiety filled-1

Horray! I’m 34! Except this birthday isn’t like other birthdays.

This year I am riddled with fear, doubt and feelings of just exhaustion. No matter how I try to pick myself up, come up with different plans, and do what I can personally to strengthen myself mentally- I have moments like this…except this moment has been creeping up on my for a long time I think….3 years to be exact.

I have been trying my hardest to avoid my anxieties of things by telling myself they don’t either exist or that they’re small and don’t need this much mental anguish.

Except 3 years later, nothing has changed and I have realized this. I got into a bad car accident- well to me it was bad. Life was going pretty well before this accident. I had a hard pregnancy with my daughter, but things were picking up. My husband could refocus on his business again, and I was enjoying my daughter. With a new journey ahead of us, things were looking up!

Until that car accident changed it all. It changed a lot about me. I became an angry person, an anxious person who thought about ‘how things were going to go wrong’ all the time, I made chaos out of even the smallest things. And to top it off was the pain…the pain is still what affects me and keeps me angry and anxious. I want to be happy and look forward but this neck, this face pain keeps me in the past. It keeps me in that accident, in that car.

Several unfair things happened after. The rear ending wasn’t the only hit- we took hit after hit after hit….my husband was injured and could barely work dealing with his own pain, me, my appointments and his own; then our daughter still needed her parents. He took the charge because I had mentally wiped out. He pushed himself and pushed and never uttered a bad word. Financially we took a hit, we couldn’t work but we still had expenses plus paying for appointments. We took another hit because I stopped driving, but I started to back seat drive. Our relationship took a hit because of me. I was exhausted all the time, I was angry and upset all the time, but we did our best for each other and our daughter. We took a hit in so many parts of our lives that just thinking about it makes me cry.

Anxiety

The one thing I refused to take a hit with was having my second child. I refused to put that away. That was a plan we made after I made annoying appointments with different doctors to find out exactly what kinds of risks I would be in, accept the extra steps I would have to make – accepted them and made the decision to go on with it. My second pregnancy was wonderful! I had to do those extra things that weren’t going according to plan but I dealt with it fine. It was the first time after my accident that the pain totally disappeared! I had the best 10 months ever! I thought the pain was gone for good and I got my life back. I was doing great mentally, making progress to gain back me. I was back to doing all the things I loved to do! There were still some issues that I had to iron out but I was doing it with more gusto and looked forward to being ‘me’ again!

Except after a couple months after giving birth to my son- the pain came back…but it didn’t come back just small. It came back like the pain I had after my car accident. One of my biggest pleasures and hope was to breast feed this baby for 2 years! The pain was awful in my neck and shoulders. I had to restart going to my Physio guy and get IMS done again so I could cling on to my son and breastfeeding. It was helping and relieving my pain. And I held on to my positive attitude that this will go away again.

It hasn’t gone away…it’s now 17months after giving birth. I refuse to let that accident take away my one joy to breast feed and I refuse to stop until he’s 2.

My Love and Joy!
My Love and Joy!

This year I made resolutions that I am sticking with, and one of them is to gain back ‘myself’. I was a happy person! I am an activist who could separate myself from the cause (which is something I’m struggling with now). I love to write, and draw, to make amazing meals for my family, I love playing the piano, I love making my mommy blogs, I love doing all this…but as time goes it’s harder and harder to remember who I was before that accident.

A few days ago, I broke down. I had the symptoms of what I thought was a heart attack- I rushed to the hospital. To learn thankfully it wasn’t a heart attack but it was indeed the worst anxiety attack I have ever experienced. I never knew a person could feel like that. My blood pressure was very high, I had troubles calming down, I kept thinking about the pain in my face so I kept myself from crying (because crying would make it worse), my neck had been hurting for days prior because I had to do more activity. And having to let go of our wage loss claim was painful- not so much because of the money but because of how unfair it was. I guess it all toppled over and my glass started to spill.

Now it’s January 11th 2016. And I don’t feel happy. I feel a bit depressed and mostly angry. My neck is hurting and I will have to probably take more Tylenol today. I will probably have to restrain myself more today and my husband will have to do my portion too. I will probably feel like not leaving the house but I’m sure my husband will do his best to get me out. I want to feel like myself- like the Lazina before the car accident. And right now, I’m breaking down. My resolutions are out the door for today as I let myself go and feel bad. I will most likely regret feeling like this later when I get my senses back, but as long as my neck is hurting today I will feel this way.

I want a Happy 34th birthday. And I will do my best to have it. But for this moment- I will just let myself feel the things I’m feeling. I have been holding it in so much thinking I was dealing with it. And now my heart races a lot, I get palpitations that are very noticeable often, my blood pressure is up, and I’m faint feeling a lot. So holding it in isn’t the right solution.

I’m going to cry on my 34th birthday because of the wrong reasons. It should be because I’m getting older or something normal like that. But I’m just freaking out because this is another year of pain and anxiety and I’m wondering how many more birthdays will this car accident take from me- take from my family. Haven’t I taken enough hits?

But as usual, I’m going to cover it up in front of my family, my friends, the outside world because this is how I am. But I hope on the Internet if someone who is searching, or a momma who has gone through what I have, see’s this will know that I feel just like them and they are not alone.

And I hope by the time dinner comes, I will have managed my pain, I will be smiling without fear for my face and my happy face won’t be a fake one.

Good Luck!
🙁

Life Lessons For Mommy# 53:

My Resolutions is to Stop Making Resolutions

Every New Year I make the same resolutions and never keep it. Sure the first month is great and I’m sticking to my resolutions like a Spartan. But as the months goes by, life gets in the way and my resolutions slowly slip away. And then at the end of that year, I say “Next Year is the Year man! I’m totally gonna do it!” …and the mad cycle goes and goes year after year and I’m still not back to my 20 year old body, nor do I have that successful blog with amazing content, nor have I painted or done a great job in teaching my kids the piano, made my mommy videos- OH GOD this is just depressing.

And that’s the thing, these un-fulfilled resolutions is basically  year long goals that never get met. I set the bar so high that I’m almost certain to fail or lose motivation. So when Dec. 31st 2015 happened I was panicking and feeling really anxious. I wrote down this

1) Gonna start my 2016 diet to loose weight, get back my body.
2) Gonna make blog posts regularly once a week with great pictures and DIY’s
3) I’m going to start my mommy videos
4) Going to not be anxious
5) Going to paint and watch less TV
6) Going to get my son to stop breastfeeding
7) Going to make fresh meals everyday
8) Going to save more money
9) Do a better job of maintaining the house.
10) Play with my kids more often.
11) Not have so much neck and face pain

Look at all the crazy stuff I’m doing. I know at first glance this seems like reasonable things to make resolutions of …but what I’m doing is putting a intense amount of pressure on myself. I know myself the best. And I know my lifestyle, my work and my home the best and I know that looking at this list makes me already very anxious. Can I really do all this if I try really hard? It sounds like I can because I feel super pumped for the new year. But already 5 days into Jan 2016 and I’ve already screwed up #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #10 and #11…yeah I’ve only kept my word on #9- maintaining my house better. Like this sucks. And I know it’s only been 5 days and each day is a golden opportunity to do better, but this isn’t working. After all resolutions are meant to be done day by day, and having will power to achieve it each day.

But here’s what’s happening…my neck is killing me a lot. I’m trying to avoid going on anxiety medication because I’m still breastfeeding and don’t want to stop. I’m getting headaches and I am taking Tylenol almost every week again to stop the headaches when my neck tightens up. As a side affect of this pain, I’m feeling low and grumpy and unmotivated. I get batches of willpower where I push through and continue on by making a great salad and dinner but then get so tired of the pain of making that dinner and salad that I forfeit time with my kids and just do what I have to.

Then comes the midnight snack, the last week or so my mind has been not in a good place…going from thing to thing because an car accident I was in 3 years ago is still affecting my life and having to give up our wage loss claim in order to protect our customers and the company has just set a bad fire in my heart. I’m upset and when I think about how cruel this world is, I wonder if I should work on the script to my mommy video or eat something….I picked eat something.

A lot of my life is being controlled by how my body feels and how my mental state is, and I am trying to combat that. But when I see my list of resolutions slipping already in the first 5 days because of a car accident 3 years ago- I fall more into anxiety and a black hole of no motivation, no will power.

It’s awful. I feel awful. I have become so accustomed to smiling at everything that I’m finding myself smiling even as I type this…but I really just want to cry. It sucks. Why did I make a list like this? Did I want to mentally abuse myself? That’s ridiculous!

So what can I do right now, to just lift myself up and stop this chain of 5 days from continuing on any further.

I know some people will say you just have to have courage and the will to do it- well what if you have lost those in a car accident? They will say you have to tell yourself and be mindful and meditate to get zen- well what if the hardships following that accident made you so jaded in character that you no longer able to get zen without an ativan. What if all the psychology tips and science is failing you? Get medicated they will probably say I guess. But that’s not even an option I can accept.

Here’s what my husband told me after I spoke to him about all this, everything I wrote here I told him and he felt the same because he’s also still in pain and carrying the burden for me and the family…his advice was to stop making this kind of resolutions and just live with small goals. Make goals you can keep. Simple things like what I wrote in my master list (a big poster board of small things and big things I can do every day that will help me to get things done).

I made this master list with 3 categories : Work, Home, Health.
Small things like “don’t wear black today” to big things like “Start Chinese Ad Campaign” And this has been helping me to achieve my resolutions but just in a different way.

I now have a revamped Resolution for 2016. But they are not resolutions, they are going to be Things I’m Going to Achieve!

1) Eat Healthy and binge less
2) Pray more and be more spiritually whole
3) Go outside and Breath well
4) Exercise 20 minutes every 2nd day, focus on breathing.
5) Spend less on clothes, toys, luxuries and use it on good whole foods.
6) Make batch meals and freeze meals
7) Give my daughter some simple chores that will cut work for me & we’ll get to spend time together
8) Do yoga for 10mins with my daughter every Wednesday
9) Write a journal to myself, my husband and the kids every Friday about our week and tell them all the things I’m thankful and love in this life
10) Manage my pain by telling my pain it will not control me or my life, just take Tylenol without feeling guilty
11) Start driving more and experiencing more roads.
12) Tell my negative thoughts I have more positive thoughts.
13) Become the me before the car accident.
14) Write small bits each day for at least 1 post for the weekend for my blog.
This is a much better looking list. This list doesn’t make me feel as pressured or horrible. I feel like I can achieve this, all I have to do is pick 1 each day to follow through with. And by the end of the week when I write my journal every friday I will be able to talk a bit more about positive things rather then about my pain and negativity. I won’t pressure myself. I will feel what I feel that day and accept it. More then diet, I need to breath and exercise. My food will mean nothing if I don’t open up my lungs and stretch my body and fill my mind with some good hormones!

So there it is! My things I will achieve this year! If you have set resolutions that make you feel more sad then glad, then change it. Change it so that you can achieve it and feel like a new you each day. You’re going to have bad days and set backs, that’s just the natural thing that’s going to happen. But I think with proper mental training, I can achieve it all.

Good Luck!
😀