Lessons for Mommy #47:

STOP! Don’t BreastFeed in Public!

Come on ladies, your boobs are shameful. They are sexual things that need to be covered up, or completely showing in the most sexual way possible. If it’s not entertaining in a jiggly way in Hollywood, don’t pop them out in public breastfeeding- that’s just disgusting. Your baby is just going to have to go hungry and get his s*** together.

Them boobs have nipples, and so what if you’re baby is crying because he’s hungry, and so what if the only place he can get that milk is from your boobs- get a bottle kid! Eat some food. It’s 2015 ladies, does your baby really need those boobs? Breastfeeding is what mothers of ancient times did, we don’t need that now.

If you want to breastfeed get a room, put on layers of blankets, and have someone hold up a cover so that no one can even tell that you’re boobing back there. Instead of doing the most shameful act ever by breastfeeding your baby, you could just let him cry. But like the whore if you insist on breastfeeding that shameless infant of yours in public, then here’s some advice.

1) Go into the bathroom, where everyone is pissing and pooping away, the sound of constant flushing and farting will soothe him to sleep.

2) Carry at all times 2-5 blankets and perhaps a bed sheet so that you can cover yourself and your baby under hot blankets to ensure no one walking by will see your nipples. Because you know if a man was to see you breastfeeding, he might get a hardon and rape you. Bonus Tip- get your mother, husband or your other small child to hold up the sheet around you, like a tent.

3) Go into a corner somewhere. If you can’t find a chair, sit on your small child or husband’s lap- but make sure you face the wall as close as possible because you’re doing something sexual when you breastfeed and no one’s grandfather should have to see that.

4) Can’t find a corner, no problem if you’re in the mall, ask to go into a changing room with multiple mirrors so you can see how disgusting the act is. And I’m sure your baby will find the bright white lights in his eyes calming (mostly blinding) but eventually his pupils will get used to it.

5) At a family members house? Rush into a bedroom, if anyone asks what you’re going to do, DO NOT say you’re breastfeeding- even saying the word “Breast” is sexual. Instead say you’re going to do a 30 minute diaper change.

6) IF you are in a open place like the park or out in the city and you’re baby suddenly gets hungry for milk, don’t just whip out those boobs and start feeding. There are other people there trying to enjoy their time and they don’t need to see your nipples feeding something you gave life. That’s private stuff and should be done privately. So try to the cover/sheet method or let the kid cry for a little bit while you rush to the nearest public washroom. It will build his character.

7) On a family vacation or at a festival? Ask the women around you to surround you in a human shield so none of their men can see your boobs. God forbid if they did. Do you know how many of them would suddenly want to leave their women and marry you instead!?

8) Remember you can wear a bikini while breastfeeding, but if you have to actually breast feed- don’t. Go somewhere secluded, devoid of human life and pop your boobs out of that bikini top and then breastfeed.

Always think “My boobs are sexual items and just because the natural function is to feed a baby doesn’t give me the right to disgust other people with it. My baby is just going to have to grow the hell up”.

So there you have it, the most idiotic article ever. I’m being really sarcastic just in case no one got that.

You need to breastfeed your baby, BREASTFEED HIM/HER wherever and whenever you want. Doesn’t matter if people are uncomfortable or not, that’s their damn problem, not yours. Your boobs are there to feed the life you gave and it’s the most natural thing possible. Don’t feel ashamed, or nervous about it. Don’t give it a second thought. If you need to breastfeed your child, then do it. Pop out those nurturing boobs and feed your child.

Good Luck!