Not living Just Functioning.
It’s been a long time since I had the luxury to post. I have been living pretty pain free, just tense and sore, and perhaps a headache maybe only once or twice a week- but that’s it. I thought that this is great. But today when I finally sat down to review my calendar so I could go back and figure out what to post here, I realized it has been a very long time since I last updated.
What was eating up my time so much that it had been so long since my last post? Was it my kids, the business, life, home making etc But still I always had time in the past, what happened then?
After carefully going through everything in my calendar, I realized I was spending so much time doing stretching, magic bagging, and more stretching, on top of the never ending appointments, to driving back and fourth…I was spending so much time trying to keep the pain away that I’m not really living anymore. I’m just functioning.
This really made me sad. I love posting on my blog and I still have so much material to catch up to, material that I had written before the car accident that I haven’t had time to post up on here.
I think I would classify myself as a ‘anxious’ person. I went through postpartum anxiety after my daughter’s pregnancy went down hill. But I recovered even with a small baby, I had my amazing support and I had no physical pain so it all just came together. So why did a car accident bring me down this much. I can’t get into the details because it’s a long and kind of sad story, but I think after assessing myself for a little while this last week I realized that the physical pain was taking a toll on my mood and taking a toll on my life. Which is why I was working so hard to be pain free… but now I’m not living like I want to. I’m spending a lot of time trying to stop the pain from happening at all or lessening it.
Breast feeding is supposed to be a happy wonderful bonding time, I enjoyed breastfeeding my daughter so so much. And had it not been the car accident I wouldn’t have had to stop. But this time around breastfeeding my son with all this pain, that I’m finding myself saying ‘I hope he gets off soon’…which is something I would have never said before. I…I don’t like this. I thought I was making real head ways in terms of getting my emotions on track and letting things go and moving on. I also thought I was becoming more zen in terms of positive thinking and telling myself that there is not going to be any more pain in my neck. I make it like some sad motto everyday and its’ helped, but I realize now that it’s because I’m doing so much to prevent it.
I’m finding it hard to accept again. And instead of coming on here and posting something meaningful for other momma’s to read and learn from, I’m posting how frustrated I am at myself as a person, as a woman and as a mom. Why can’t I be stronger then this? I decided not to stretch today and see where I am in terms of pain. And it’s creeping up fast on me. I haven’t had to take a Tylenol yet because I’m mentally warding off the pain by telling myself “I feel nothing” and I also think I have become used to this type of pain- as sad as that sounds…But this pain is very much real. It’s a soreness, a tightness, it actually feels like my neck to my shoulder is swollen.
So what can I do right this moment after piecing this together? How can I cut down my neck maintenance time and start living and doing what I want to do? I guess the first step would be to stop being in denial about it.
Address it and deal with it.
I will up my water intake, since it does help with inflammation in the body and it’s good for me.
I will also go back to taking turmeric in my diet instead of relying on pills.
I will also stretch only morning, afternoon and before bed. I will try to train my body, my neck in particular to loosen up and stay loosened.
And the biggest one: I will also have to come to terms with the fact that I will have to take the injections my doctor suggested. It’s not my ideal but I cannot live like this: to avoid pain spend so much time avoiding it and not living.
I guess that’s what mothers have to do with hurdles. You just have to deal with them. I will try this method to deal with it. Because what I am doing right now isn’t the solution that works for me. If I am going to live properly, then I have to get this neck to do what I want it to do, and that is be loose, comfortable and pain free. I want to spend more time with my daughter doing crafts, enjoy breastfeeding my son, and do my blog, help my husband with the company, and just enjoy and cherish life like I used to.
I don’t know why I turned this way? Perhaps the stresses after the accident piled up and warped my personality? Maybe it was just the last one thing I could take? Maybe this was how I react to being thrown off the cliff- hold on to freaking anything and stay there as long as possible until someone saves me. I’m not going to wait there on that cliff, I’m really going to try to make the effort to climb up. And I will climb up.
I have so much more then what I’m living out of life. My husband and I have big dreams that a lot of people can only dream of. We are hell bent on making a reality. In order to achieve those goals, I have to be the kind of person who can adapt and change as I need to.
I guess there is no lesson in this. But maybe the lesson can be that if you aren’t living the way you want and just functioning; you’re not getting the full potential out of life. So if by making small changes, we can slowly achieve that goal of living, why not try it. My old self would have put the most negative spin on this, that there’s probably no point, the pain isn’t going to go away, and why did this have to happen to me etc
But I’m not that person anymore- no I’m not going down that stupid mental spiral. I will love this body and love this life and LIVE IT. I won’t let the poor decision of someone who couldn’t respect the road, to change my life to the point where I can’t enjoy it.
I think the lesson for me would be, to not let this accident take another year, another month, another day, another hour from me. These seconds, months and years belong to me and I don’t want to look back at my calendar and wonder- what did I do with me time?