How to breastfeed appropriately.


This article is one of my favorites! It’s very hilarious how ridiculous the world can be when breastfeeding in public!

You can read below or visit the link to read it there!

So you’ve decided to breastfeed. Fantastic! Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to nourish your baby while establishing early bonding. Unfortunately, breast milk comes out of breasts so there are a few ground rules that we need to cover.

As you know, (female) modesty is a highly protected value in modern society. Unless you’re a magazine cover model or in a music video, exposing your female udder flesh is entirely inappropriate. Science has proven that breasts are basically large vaginas. Only you and your partner should ever see them. Just because your breast-ginas are full of milk, doesn’t mean you get to wave them around.

“I don’t expose much when I breastfeed.” This is a common excuse made by exhibitionist mothers. Just knowing that your nipples may become visible at any time is offensive and a temptation to married or newly engaged men.

Real life stories:

“I saw a woman breastfeeding in a park and was overcome with desire. I left my wife the same day.” – John, 34, Nebraska

“I was a married man with eight kids. Last month I saw a woman nursing her infant at a park. I am now married to her.” – Luke, 45, South Dakota

“Two years ago I was a successful business executive handling important transactions. Then I saw a breastfeeding mother. I became obsessed with nipples and lost my job. I can’t make ends meet.” – Anthony, 45

None of us would urinate in public (sober), so please show us the same courtesy and release your mommy nectar out of sight.

Note: Peeing in public and breastfeeding in public are identical because in both cases liquid is coming out. Crying in public is different because it’s happening above the neck. If you can breastfeed out of your eye sockets, be my guest.

Here are a few tips that mothers should and need to adopt to help the rest of us feel comfortable.

Tip #1: Use a cover. Every time. There are many fancy ones on the market. Damask. Lace-trimmed. Or how about a swaddling cloth (if it’s good enough to warm the baby Jesus, it’s good enough for your kid)? Statistics show that human beings love being in confined spaces. Babies are on their way to becoming full humans, so this applies to them as well. I personally eat many of my meals under a loosely draped fitted sheet in my bedroom and find it quite enjoyable.

Please do not use summer as an excuse to flash your flesh-toned milk bags. Just last week I ate an entire Italian sub under a handmade quilt in 90 degree weather skin-to-skin with a close friend to simulate summer breastfeeding. Were we hot? Yes. Were we uncomfortable? Yes. Did one of us briefly lose consciousness? Yes. Did we subject anyone to seeing nipples? NO.

Do not be fooled, the importance of air circulation has been exaggerated by politicians. Ten out of 10 babies reported loving the sensation of breathing repeat CO2. There are women who can breastfeed without anyone knowing what they’re doing. If they can do it, so can you because all babies are the same.

If you have a rebellious/bad child who pulls your cover off in a desperate attempt to breathe fresh air and see the world around them, consider some home training. It’s your job to teach them right from wrong. Should your original sin infant not respond to discipline and still reach out for new oxygen, place two little straws in their nose scuba-style so that cool air can be retrieved from under a burlap cover without making us all barf from the sight of your boob flesh.

Care about decency? Go the extra mile and prevent wind from flying up and exposing your naked nipples by sewing small weights into the corners of your nursing cover.

Tip #2: Use a bathroom. Who doesn’t love a public restroom? They’re full of exotic scents and sounds! The next time your needy baby starts fussing for a taste of chest drippings, run to the nearest stall or city outhouse.

Nursing standing up while trying to avoid bacteria and holding a wriggling child has the added benefit of strengthening your core muscles. That postpartum tummy will be gone before you know it, making you more attractive to the general public. It’s summer, after all — bikini season!

No hook for the diaper bag? Put it on the floor or in the sink. When you get home, wipe it down with a bleach and water solution to remove any fecal matter.

If you’ve used your uterus more than once and have a second, or worse, third child in tow, ask the critters to join you in the stall for their safety. It’s like a party! Don’t worry, if you’ve raised them right they won’t touch anything.

Considerate babies nurse for between 10-15 minutes, so you’ll be out of there before you know it. If you’ve been cursed with a baby who nurses for 20 minutes or more at a time, cut them off when you see fit. That will teach them to speed things up. Keep track of their best times on your iPhone and give them small rewards (like a hug or kiss on the temple) for shaving off minutes.

Children are meant to be seen and not heard, but if you’re rude enough to bring a baby to a public eatery, it’s your responsibility to leave the table for the bathroom to nurse. Your meal will be waiting when you return. If your appetite is affected by the smell of light sewage, consider the fantastic weight-loss ramifications and be grateful. You’re going to look great in that bikini!

The message is simple: whatever you are doing in public, drop it to move to a private area. Shopping? Return to your vehicle. At a remote park? Find an abandoned train car. Think about others.

Tip #3: When you leave the house, switch to bottles. If your baby hasn’t used them before, shame on you for not preparing your infant for the real world. Everyone knows that it is very simple for babies to switch between the breast and bottles and won’t at all impact his or her ability to continue breastfeeding in a socially appropriate setting (your bedroom in the dark).

Pumping breast milk is simple, fast and easy. Capable moms know how to squirt out a gallon of milk in under seven minutes. When you need to leave the house, just grab some of your fridge emissions! If your breasts become painfully engorged or hard to the touch from skipping feedings, take comfort in knowing that you’re doing this for mankind’s comfort level.

Formula is also available and not expensive.

Bottles also give other people a chance to feed the baby. Stop being selfish and hogging all of the feedings with your teats. Having a baby is about letting other people feel good. Pass it around like a football and watch the compliments roll in!

If your baby refuses the bottle, just keep pressing. You’ll break their spirit eventually. If not, see tip #4.

Tip #4: Stay home. It would be easier for you and all of us if you just spent the day in your private dwelling. Not forever. Just until your baby learns to take a bottle or eat food that doesn’t come out of your privates. There’s lots to do in a home: television, hanging out in the backyard (don’t nurse there unless you have a high enough wall — again, RESPECT), cooking, cleaning, laundry and of course, Facebook. Please don’t post photos of yourself breastfeeding on the Internet. The last thing anyone on the Internet wants to see are female breasts in an innocent context. We find this disgusting.

Tip #5: Get some morals. Do you have sex in public? No. Then why would you pull out your SEX BREASTS for your baby in public? Just because something is natural, doesn’t mean we all want to see it. Yes, we will tolerate a celebrity nip slip or areola display. Yes, there are breasts splashed all over magazine racks and on television bouncing up and down to pop music, but that’s different. We’re OK with boobs if money has been exchanged. Has your cheap baby paid you? No? Then wrap it up.

In conclusion, breastfeeding in public is for lazy, exhibitionist, thrill-seeking, husband-stealing mothers who have nothing better to do than to make the rest of us shrivel in disgust. So cover it up. Love, Us.

Omera’s Shows List:


Experts say the same thing: that TV and Laptops can actually make your kids slow ….a little stupid. And honestly, it really can. Too much TV really does melt the brain, especially for kids.

My daughter Omera doesn’t really watch any TV programs. I tried to let her watch famous shows like Dora, Team Umizoomi, Bubble Guppies- the whole lot. But it just didn’t appeal to her, and after watching them I honestly realized why the experts say that it turns your kids a bit slow. Because these shows all have unrealistic visuals of what real life is. Nothing practical, no real substance of real life.

Sure sharing, caring and doing your best are important. But my daughter doesn’t get why Dora consults a monkey and then goes on a boat to rescue a talking penguin… If it didn’t make sense to me on a basic level, why the heck would it to her?

So she watched only programs that I per-screened and selected for her from youtube.

I downloaded the videos so there are no interruptions of ad’s and having to go and find and click the next video. And I balanced all these videos by keeping it a maximum of 1 hour a day- I try for 30 minutes total for a day, but some days I need that 1 hour.

She watches a wide range of videos, from educational, to language, to just music videos she likes and dances to- best way to make a toddler happy and tired! I try to make sure the videos have other kids in it, or educational elements, I always try to interact with her while she’s watching these videos so she’s not just sitting and staring and memorizing but not learning. If you interact with your kids while they are watching these videos, they are more likely to learn and not just become addicted zombie’s.

So here is the List of Show’s she watches- all free and easily downloaded from Youtube.

Good Luck!

North American Programs:
1) Super Simple Songs : They are honestly my go to videos, and almost all their videos are great for teaching songs and getting Omera off the couch and singing and motioning along.

2) Pancake Manor- have some really good videos for teaching and moving around!

3) This video was great for Omera when she was 1- simple colours, not a lot of flash so she picked up on her #’s fast.

4) Alphablocks! Sound out the sounds!

5) ABC Gang- careful with this one. This is the only video she’s watched from them.

6) An very good Itzy Bitzy song- can really push to not give up.

7) Pororo (english or Korean version)

8) Storybots

9) Pocoyo

(I find Pocoyo to be rather naughty and it was from watching him that Omera learned to tantrum when things didn’t go her way. I was just going to cut him out of her watching list, but then I realized this was a good opportunity to show bad behavior and how to correct it. So when he tantrum’ed or did something I felt wasn’t good, I would tell Omera that Pocoyo’s being very naughty right now and he should say sorry, or that Pocoyo is going to have a time out if he doesn’t clean up his mess etc. Her tantrums after that were easily fixable after that)

Chinese Programs

1) Little Pim (Chinese)

2) Mandarin Colours

3) Qiahou (the Mandarin speaking Tiger) These videos taught Omera early on to brush her teeth, to potty, to dress herself, to behave at the table etc So even though it’s Chinese, give it a try.

4) Beva & Friends- good for learning Chinese ‘mothergoose’ like songs.

5) Elmo- Chinese

Arabic/Islamic Programs
Word of caution, I try to do more interactive learning with this, because this is her base.

1)Arabic Alphabet

2) Manners

3) To see another kid praying.

4) How to Pray

Music Videos


2) Seseame Street- Will.I.AM “stronger” – With this I was able to teach Omera to try her best, and to not get angry but to keep trying. So when you show this song, propagate those ideals.

3) Zodiac Leehom Wang

4) Pharrell Williams, Happy, British Muslims

Life Lesson for Mommy #22:

Hand in Hand

Benefits of Sign Language

One of the first things my sister in law told me about when she learned I was pregnant was about teaching my baby to sign language. So I learned about it from different sites and friends and decided to do it. From when Omera was a baby I started to sign basic things at first, milk, momma, dadda, happy, hug, sleep etc

And finally at 7 months, she suddenly signed for milk at my grandmothers house. I was ecstatic! I was really surprised and so I nursed her and she drank her fill. I thought this might be a fluke, but nope she did it all the time after that, and picked up on the other signs too. It was a tremendous help! Anytime she wanted milk, to do diaper changes, to even hugs; I knew exactly what she wanted. I continued with more signs like eat, kiss etc My parents also learned the signs and found it really easy to take her places because she never fussed and threw tantrums for anything because she would just sign for it.

And even after she started to talk and if we didn’t understand her, she will show us what she wants or needs. So it has taught her to express and communicate with speech and body language. And because of sign language she was able to learn her numbers, the alphabet, shapes and even when to use singular or plural. Amazing right!?

When they can express themselves, they don’t get frustrated and angry. The number one reason why babies and toddlers fuss and throw tantrums is when they want something but don’t know how to express it. With sign language and now speech, Omera can always show and tell us what she wants and what she doesn’t want. Which took the guessing out of when she was a baby, and eliminates tantrums (for the most part) as a toddler. We understand her, and she understands us. So try it, even with older children from age 3+ it’s great to teach them sign language because they learn a form of communication that will help with the part of their brain that solves problems and expresses emotion.

It’s a great way for them to learn how to show emotion correctly rather then reflux agitation.

Some free sources of sign language are:

Good Luck!


Is Having a Baby Worth it?

Carolines babe

A life terrorist, is a way I would have never thought to describe my daughter Omera. But when I read the article, I found myself nodding to each and everything the author was talking about. LOL

Read the whole funny article and decide? Is it worth having a life terrorist- I mean baby?