Horray! I’m 34! Except this birthday isn’t like other birthdays.
This year I am riddled with fear, doubt and feelings of just exhaustion. No matter how I try to pick myself up, come up with different plans, and do what I can personally to strengthen myself mentally- I have moments like this…except this moment has been creeping up on my for a long time I think….3 years to be exact.
I have been trying my hardest to avoid my anxieties of things by telling myself they don’t either exist or that they’re small and don’t need this much mental anguish.
Except 3 years later, nothing has changed and I have realized this. I got into a bad car accident- well to me it was bad. Life was going pretty well before this accident. I had a hard pregnancy with my daughter, but things were picking up. My husband could refocus on his business again, and I was enjoying my daughter. With a new journey ahead of us, things were looking up!
Until that car accident changed it all. It changed a lot about me. I became an angry person, an anxious person who thought about ‘how things were going to go wrong’ all the time, I made chaos out of even the smallest things. And to top it off was the pain…the pain is still what affects me and keeps me angry and anxious. I want to be happy and look forward but this neck, this face pain keeps me in the past. It keeps me in that accident, in that car.
Several unfair things happened after. The rear ending wasn’t the only hit- we took hit after hit after hit….my husband was injured and could barely work dealing with his own pain, me, my appointments and his own; then our daughter still needed her parents. He took the charge because I had mentally wiped out. He pushed himself and pushed and never uttered a bad word. Financially we took a hit, we couldn’t work but we still had expenses plus paying for appointments. We took another hit because I stopped driving, but I started to back seat drive. Our relationship took a hit because of me. I was exhausted all the time, I was angry and upset all the time, but we did our best for each other and our daughter. We took a hit in so many parts of our lives that just thinking about it makes me cry.
The one thing I refused to take a hit with was having my second child. I refused to put that away. That was a plan we made after I made annoying appointments with different doctors to find out exactly what kinds of risks I would be in, accept the extra steps I would have to make – accepted them and made the decision to go on with it. My second pregnancy was wonderful! I had to do those extra things that weren’t going according to plan but I dealt with it fine. It was the first time after my accident that the pain totally disappeared! I had the best 10 months ever! I thought the pain was gone for good and I got my life back. I was doing great mentally, making progress to gain back me. I was back to doing all the things I loved to do! There were still some issues that I had to iron out but I was doing it with more gusto and looked forward to being ‘me’ again!
Except after a couple months after giving birth to my son- the pain came back…but it didn’t come back just small. It came back like the pain I had after my car accident. One of my biggest pleasures and hope was to breast feed this baby for 2 years! The pain was awful in my neck and shoulders. I had to restart going to my Physio guy and get IMS done again so I could cling on to my son and breastfeeding. It was helping and relieving my pain. And I held on to my positive attitude that this will go away again.
It hasn’t gone away…it’s now 17months after giving birth. I refuse to let that accident take away my one joy to breast feed and I refuse to stop until he’s 2.
This year I made resolutions that I am sticking with, and one of them is to gain back ‘myself’. I was a happy person! I am an activist who could separate myself from the cause (which is something I’m struggling with now). I love to write, and draw, to make amazing meals for my family, I love playing the piano, I love making my mommy blogs, I love doing all this…but as time goes it’s harder and harder to remember who I was before that accident.
A few days ago, I broke down. I had the symptoms of what I thought was a heart attack- I rushed to the hospital. To learn thankfully it wasn’t a heart attack but it was indeed the worst anxiety attack I have ever experienced. I never knew a person could feel like that. My blood pressure was very high, I had troubles calming down, I kept thinking about the pain in my face so I kept myself from crying (because crying would make it worse), my neck had been hurting for days prior because I had to do more activity. And having to let go of our wage loss claim was painful- not so much because of the money but because of how unfair it was. I guess it all toppled over and my glass started to spill.
Now it’s January 11th 2016. And I don’t feel happy. I feel a bit depressed and mostly angry. My neck is hurting and I will have to probably take more Tylenol today. I will probably have to restrain myself more today and my husband will have to do my portion too. I will probably feel like not leaving the house but I’m sure my husband will do his best to get me out. I want to feel like myself- like the Lazina before the car accident. And right now, I’m breaking down. My resolutions are out the door for today as I let myself go and feel bad. I will most likely regret feeling like this later when I get my senses back, but as long as my neck is hurting today I will feel this way.
I want a Happy 34th birthday. And I will do my best to have it. But for this moment- I will just let myself feel the things I’m feeling. I have been holding it in so much thinking I was dealing with it. And now my heart races a lot, I get palpitations that are very noticeable often, my blood pressure is up, and I’m faint feeling a lot. So holding it in isn’t the right solution.
I’m going to cry on my 34th birthday because of the wrong reasons. It should be because I’m getting older or something normal like that. But I’m just freaking out because this is another year of pain and anxiety and I’m wondering how many more birthdays will this car accident take from me- take from my family. Haven’t I taken enough hits?
But as usual, I’m going to cover it up in front of my family, my friends, the outside world because this is how I am. But I hope on the Internet if someone who is searching, or a momma who has gone through what I have, see’s this will know that I feel just like them and they are not alone.
And I hope by the time dinner comes, I will have managed my pain, I will be smiling without fear for my face and my happy face won’t be a fake one.